ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
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