i just sent this text using only my big toe
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
Randomize
