This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Randomize
