you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
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