She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
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