Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
