I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Randomize
