You were right. It hurts to walk today.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
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