I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
