he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
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