i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Randomize
