i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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