It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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