we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
