she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
