One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize