Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Randomize
