I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
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