once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
