good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
Canada is now making docos about life in America. Its called Trailer Park Boys.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
