M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
