Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
