I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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