I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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