How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
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