my mouth tastes like poor choices
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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