I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
Randomize
