she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
