Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
Randomize
