Capitaan dildo arrescate!
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
