I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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