She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Randomize
