We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
