I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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