Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
i want tt clbm rinabw nd ride uncrn
what?
i wnt tto climb a rainboww and ride a unicornnnnnnnnn
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
last night I used snow as a chaser
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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