mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
You left your phone here
Wait...
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