if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
