Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
