nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
