I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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