I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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