Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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