Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
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