maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
