do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Randomize
