He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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