so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
