Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
