I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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