god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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