I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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