My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
