Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
