I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
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