9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
