Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
